Courtship: Don’t Let it become a Sinking Ship!

 SOS!  Is an alarm for help from a sinking ship calling out to those around to save the people (the souls) on board.  Well, courtship is another kind of journeying vessel, in a way, and if one has to send out an SOS, “Save our Souls!”  We know something has gone terribly wrong.  So let’s look at some ways to preserve your souls in courtship and not let the ship sink.

1. Be choosy/picky.

In some regards, you can’t be too picky.  It’s important before even “catching feelings” for someone that you set and maintain high standards.  It’s ok if that rules out a lot of random guys around you.  Sure they may be attractive, tall, handsome, funny, and kind, but do they share your values and those of your family?  Even if they share some, are there even one or two big ones that don’t quite match up?  It’s important to make sure you identify your biggest values even before you start to see possible suitors.  Does he attend church? Yes? Great!  But does he attend the same kind of church as you?  Is he Catholic?  Yes?  Cool!  But how seriously does he take his faith?  Seriously?  Yes?  Fantastic?  What are his liturgical preferences?  Does he have any?  Do your ideas and beliefs align?  Is Christ Crucified the center, source, and summit of his life?  Think about these questions and what you desire in a husband.  Is he ok with any old Fr. Jimmy “Mass” with cheesy 70’s music or does he seek out the most reverent, beautiful, and worthy Mass for Our Lord?  And don’t just stop there.  The Catholic community is very nuanced and deep.  There will be lots of things to consider when looking for a future partner.  Try to be detail-oriented.  If we’re not, we could end up making excuses for the differences in opinion that leave holes needing to be patched up precariously.  Not only will these beliefs and preferences affect you; they will affect your future children as well.  It's incredibly important to make sure you both want the same things for your future children, especially where faith community is concerned.

What are his views on family, politics, health (eg. vaccines), community, schooling, gender roles, etc.?  There is a lot to think about and many people don’t know what their expectations or standards are until after they’ve winged a relationship and seen that not every guy, although some are very good guys, meets their important standards entirely.  So talk with your parents, priest, or trusted elder about important standards.  These people know you well and want what's best for you and so they can help you identify important questions when you're coming up blank or preparing the barque of your soul for courtship. 

    2.  Make sure you have a good “crew.”

Many courting couples will only be alone together in public places or in the family home with other family members around.  They may even take a chaperone along on all their outings (which can be a very good and helpful thing.)  But aside from involving your family, it’s important that you keep good friends around too.  Not only are they good for double dates, but friends in general, young or old, single or married, are good to have around.  It allows you to focus on others instead of just yourselves.  Socializing in groups will help keep things balanced.  But not just any friends will do.  Just like in the last recommendation (and even before looking to court in general,) it’s super important to surround yourself with godly and virtuous friends.  These trustworthy souls will be your encouragement and support on your journey holding you accountable and helping you in the pursuit of sanctity.  Find friends that will be the iron to sharpen your iron.  

    3.  “Please, for your safety, keep your hands, feet, arms, and legs inside the vehicle at all times.”

This is a tough one but one I have learned from experience.  PDA; it’s a no-go.  When I was young I thought I’d save hand-holding for engagement.  But when I began courting, I let myself slide.  We agreed we could hold hands but that snowballs into other things.  Our ship was not destroyed by this, thanks be to God, but it certainly let a lot of water on board so when the relationship came to a close, I had a hard time bailing myself out.  Have you ever heard a purity talk about bonding hormones?  Well, they’re real and every hand hold, every embrace, releases these chemically bonding hormones that you’ll just be better off without.  It’s important to remember in courtship that even though you may be “going steady” with one person, you do not belong to each other.  It really should be a very objective relationship in which you allow each other to explore values, beliefs, hopes, dreams, and goals without creating any extra emotional attachments that can be avoided.  There are plenty of other ways to express that you care for someone, (which I’m sure you will end up caring very much for the person you are courting even without signs of physical affection.)  Save PDA at least for engagement.  Don't worry, once you've found "the one", there will be plenty of time for hand-holding. 

    4.  Don't neglect your home port.

It can be very tempting to talk on the phone for hours on end or go out every evening with your special courting friend but be careful not to neglect your duties and your family.  They are the ones God has placed you with in the here and now.  As much as you dream of a future home with your future husband, don't jump the gun and leave your family high and dry.  Make sure to still fulfill your duties as a good daughter or son and enjoy the times you still have with your immediate family.  It may not feel like it, but all too soon, these days will be only distant memories so make them count.  Even though you're discerning marriage, you're probably still a single person living at home and need to take care of laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc.  Make sure to come into port and take care of business often!  Being faithful in your duties to your family helps to cultivate the virtues of orderliness and diligence in your soul.

Or if you're away from home, don't forget there is still plenty to do for your own self-improvement and well-being.  Don't neglect your own personal growth or daily duties such as work and school just for that extra fun dating time.  You're discerning a future life that will require lots of work and discipline so practice some of it now together and on your own.  

5.  Keep your eyes on the heavens!

This is the most important advice.  When a sailor loses his way at sea, what does he do?  He looks to the skies to find his bearings and orient himself by the sun and the stars.  We too must keep our eyes on the things of heaven whether we're in a courtship or on our own.  It can be easy to neglect personal prayer when you're busy with another person but it is so important to take everything to God in private prayer because He will be the absolute best guide and help for you in this important time of courtship.  Tell him all about your days, your joys, your sorrows, and your questions.  Leave everything in His hands and then pray that He will help you.  He most certainly will.  Don't forget to compare your own observations on the map of courtship with those of God's either.  Examine your relationship from time to time to see if it is leading you towards or away from your heavenly goal.  Does this person sanctify me?  Am I praying less or more than I used to?  Do our values still align?  Have we had disagreements about important matters of faith or morals?  Does my courtship partner seem to be growing closer to God?  If not, are they growing away from God?  You cannot just sit idle.  The little boats of your souls will either float towards God or be swept away by a current away from Him.  If you seem not to be making any progress spiritually, this might be a sign that you are slowly backsliding.  Don't ignore it but redouble your efforts to cultivate virtue and grow in holiness.  Remember to get spiritual direction both on your own and together from time to time.  Read the lives of the saints and ask for their special intercession.

Is this a complete and all-encompassing guide on how to save your souls in courtship?  Probably not.  But I do hope that this advice that I've learned can help you in some way.  Remember that courtship is not just a time to experience romance but first and foremost it is a time to discover if someone would make a good life partner for you.  Life is full of ups and downs, trials, tribulations, and temptations, as well as joys and successes.  Let's pray that we find someone who can help us carry our crosses well on this journey to heaven and who will raise up souls with us for that same goal!

Are there any other helps you thought of to keep your soul from sinking in courtship?  Please do let me know in the comments below.

PS.  Here's something funny for you...

16 Things to Expect When Dating a Catholic Woman: My Revision

 If you come across a list-type article claiming to be Catholic on secular blog sites such as The Odyssey Online or BuzzFeed, spare yourself and don't bother clicking on them.  😅  I've seen a couple quick lists like this before and while they're written by someone claiming to be Catholic, they usually do not reflect Holy Mother Church's teaching but a very secular, haphazard view of Catholic life.  They're pretty goofy and fall short of what to expect of true Catholic girls.  So today, I'd like to revise this list of 16 things to expect when dating a Catholic girl.  The original list was directed mostly to non-Catholic men but I think even Catholic men can take notes from this list.

First issue: You don't date a Catholic, you court her with the purpose of discerning marriage!  😉

Second issue: The article claims "Depending on the woman or her intensity, don't worry about her forcing her religion upon you. It's a stereotype."  That's true, but we will desire and pray for your conversion!  We don't force but we definitely want to be instruments of God's grace and will naturally bring up the beauty of the Faith anytime we can!  The goal of matrimony is to get our spouses and children to Heaven, of course!

Now, on to the 16 things to expect.  I've taken each title from the article and then revised it or given my comments below:

1. Church before dates

       

    This is one they do get right. Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation are super important to her faith. If she asks you to go along, do!! Just use your senses to take in the beautiful sights and sounds of Holy Mass. The Mass is the source and summit of her Catholic Faith so she would highly appreciate your respect and attention.

2. She respects her body

    Yes, this title is true, but according to Catholic teaching and contrary to the caption in the odyssey's list, a true Catholic couple will always save themselves for marriage because the right to the other person's body is a gift of matrimony.  So not only does she respect her own body, but she respects yours.  If your relationship doesn't work out, you will not have given yourselves to each other prematurely and you will have protected the gift of yourself for the person you marry.  This statement could go one step further because some Catholic girls may want to save other physical parts of a relationship for engagement or even the wedding day such as handholding and kissing.  It may sound weird at first but saving these bonding moments for the time when the two people are wholly committed to each other allows for courtship to be a fruitful time of getting to know one another without creating harmful attachments or distractions. 

3. Her family and friends mean the world to her

    Ok, also correct.  Not only does the Catholic girl appreciate you respecting her family but she's actually watching to see how you treat her family and your own.  A girl can tell a lot about how you will treat her by the way you treat your own mother, sisters, and other women in your life.  The fruits of marriage are family life so a Catholic girl wants to make sure you will provide and care for your future family.

4. She is loyal to a fault

    Loyal?  Yes.  To a fault?  Eeehhh... 🤔  A true Catholic girl will have her priorities of loyalty straight.  She is loyal to God first and foremost.  A Catholic young woman should also be loyal to her father who is her head until she is given away in matrimony.  And then to a degree, she is loyal to her friends.  Yes, we are called to forgive our enemies and pray for those who persecute us, but that most certainly does not mean a girl has to put up with any shenanigans.  From the points above, you can tell that a Catholic girl values virtue and faithfulness.

5. She will be praying for you and encouraging you to pray

    

    Also, not wrong.  Again, a Catholic woman will not "force" her religion upon you, but if she cares about you that means that she cares about your eternal soul even more.  She knows that each and every person was created for eternity in Heaven contemplating God in all His perfection and united in perfect charity with the saints and angels.  So you can be sure she's praying for your conversion; for your openness to God's grace and His merciful love to be poured into your heart.

6. Divorce scares her

   

     "Scares" is an interesting and inaccurate word to use.  A Catholic young woman shouldn't even believe in divorce.  When you say "I do", it is until death do you part and not before.  A discussion of your opinions on divorce should definitely be had but do not be deterred by her rejection of divorce.  This means that she values the sacrament of Matrimony and her vow to her future husband.  Once she is married, she is in it for the long haul to pick up her cross alongside her husband and follow Christ.

7. She may want a big family

    To be more accurate, a Catholic girl will be open to as many children as the Good Lord wills to send.  God's first commandment to man is to be fruitful and multiply. (See Genesis 1:28.)  The purpose of marriage is to create more souls for the kingdom of Heaven and to work to get them there.  So sure, a Catholic young woman may want a big family, but more importantly, she wants a family according to God's providence.

8. She loves to talk about the future

    Ok, true.  She will most definitely be interested in knowing your views on a slew of questions and will seek to discover what virtues you value.  Dating, or more appropriately, courting is the time when two people get to know if they would be suitable matches for each other in marriage.  It's naturally a time of questions about the future!

9. She'll always love God above all things

    100% true statement.  Not only should you respect that, but you should appreciate it!  She loves Love Himself and this love is being poured into her heart to be shared with all those she comes in contact with.  This is not a superficial or mushy kind of love.  It is charity; willing the good of the other.  So because she has a deep love of God, she will also love those whom God gives her very deeply with a self-giving and sacrificial love.

10. She may tell you all about her favorite Saints

  

     Guilty as charged.  They're not just our fairy tales like the article attests, but they're so much more!  (We like fairy tales too, by the way.)  The Saints are actual people of history who lead exemplary and heroic lives of virtue.  They are our role models who are now also our intercessors in Heaven.  Not only will a Catholic girl pray for you, but she'll also recruit her heavenly team of patron Saints to pray for you as well.  When she starts to tell you about her favorite Saints, listen and learn about her rich Catholic history!

11. She may be a little naughty

    Ok, this is where they lose it.  The whole caption of this one... *cringe*  Catholic girls who know the teachings of the Church know the rules are there to help us get to Heaven.  We love Holy Mother Church and want to be her humble children listening trustingly to Her teachings.  A Catholic girl shouldn't want to push boundaries because that could result in her being outside of God's grace and offending the Lord she loves.  Does this mean Catholic girls don't know how to have fun?  Of course not!  But she knows she doesn't have to sacrifice her virtue or reputation to have it.

12. Holidays are really important to her

    Ok, nice little diversion there after number 11.  🙄  Yes, the Holy Days of the Church are very important to her.  Each of these feasts is a great opportunity for grace and to celebrate the Faith that is so dear to her.

13. Her favorite TV shows may be all on TV Land

   

     Eh, maybe.  Andy Griffith, I Love Lucy, and other classic TV shows are favorites but I'll be willing to bet a lot of her favorite TV shows are based on classic books.  Think Pride & Prejudice, Emma, Anne of Green Gables (Not you, Netflix 😡), North & South, All Creatures Great & Small, and other classics.  If it involves chivalry, virtue, sweeping country scapes, and tea, count her in! 😉  Movies on the lives of the Saints are also a huge plus.  

14. Her dream vacation is somewhere in Europe

   

     Ha!  That is probably true.  Good job on that one.

15. She will love you unconditionally

    'Unconditionally' is a strong word for dating, but I think the sentiment is true.  A Catholic woman's love is strong, true, self-sacrificing, and Christ-like.  It has so much more depth than a self-seeking and carnal "love."  But the article is right; you do not want to mistreat her or disrespect this love because...

16. She is fierce

    This soldier of Christ has an invisible army of angels and Saints assisting her on this journey to Heaven.  

So, what do you think?  Was the original list good enough?  Was I just copying a sufficient list?  Or was it sorely lacking in the beautiful benefits of discerning marriage with a Catholic woman?  Please let me know what you thought in the comments below!  What are some other things to expect when courting a Catholic woman?  I thought this was a fun little revision to do in light of true Catholicism.  I hope you enjoyed it!!

In cordibus Jesu et Mariae,

Sarah