Courtship: Don’t Let it become a Sinking Ship!

 SOS!  Is an alarm for help from a sinking ship calling out to those around to save the people (the souls) on board.  Well, courtship is another kind of journeying vessel, in a way, and if one has to send out an SOS, “Save our Souls!”  We know something has gone terribly wrong.  So let’s look at some ways to preserve your souls in courtship and not let the ship sink.

1. Be choosy/picky.

In some regards, you can’t be too picky.  It’s important before even “catching feelings” for someone that you set and maintain high standards.  It’s ok if that rules out a lot of random guys around you.  Sure they may be attractive, tall, handsome, funny, and kind, but do they share your values and those of your family?  Even if they share some, are there even one or two big ones that don’t quite match up?  It’s important to make sure you identify your biggest values even before you start to see possible suitors.  Does he attend church? Yes? Great!  But does he attend the same kind of church as you?  Is he Catholic?  Yes?  Cool!  But how seriously does he take his faith?  Seriously?  Yes?  Fantastic?  What are his liturgical preferences?  Does he have any?  Do your ideas and beliefs align?  Is Christ Crucified the center, source, and summit of his life?  Think about these questions and what you desire in a husband.  Is he ok with any old Fr. Jimmy “Mass” with cheesy 70’s music or does he seek out the most reverent, beautiful, and worthy Mass for Our Lord?  And don’t just stop there.  The Catholic community is very nuanced and deep.  There will be lots of things to consider when looking for a future partner.  Try to be detail-oriented.  If we’re not, we could end up making excuses for the differences in opinion that leave holes needing to be patched up precariously.  Not only will these beliefs and preferences affect you; they will affect your future children as well.  It's incredibly important to make sure you both want the same things for your future children, especially where faith community is concerned.

What are his views on family, politics, health (eg. vaccines), community, schooling, gender roles, etc.?  There is a lot to think about and many people don’t know what their expectations or standards are until after they’ve winged a relationship and seen that not every guy, although some are very good guys, meets their important standards entirely.  So talk with your parents, priest, or trusted elder about important standards.  These people know you well and want what's best for you and so they can help you identify important questions when you're coming up blank or preparing the barque of your soul for courtship. 

    2.  Make sure you have a good “crew.”

Many courting couples will only be alone together in public places or in the family home with other family members around.  They may even take a chaperone along on all their outings (which can be a very good and helpful thing.)  But aside from involving your family, it’s important that you keep good friends around too.  Not only are they good for double dates, but friends in general, young or old, single or married, are good to have around.  It allows you to focus on others instead of just yourselves.  Socializing in groups will help keep things balanced.  But not just any friends will do.  Just like in the last recommendation (and even before looking to court in general,) it’s super important to surround yourself with godly and virtuous friends.  These trustworthy souls will be your encouragement and support on your journey holding you accountable and helping you in the pursuit of sanctity.  Find friends that will be the iron to sharpen your iron.  

    3.  “Please, for your safety, keep your hands, feet, arms, and legs inside the vehicle at all times.”

This is a tough one but one I have learned from experience.  PDA; it’s a no-go.  When I was young I thought I’d save hand-holding for engagement.  But when I began courting, I let myself slide.  We agreed we could hold hands but that snowballs into other things.  Our ship was not destroyed by this, thanks be to God, but it certainly let a lot of water on board so when the relationship came to a close, I had a hard time bailing myself out.  Have you ever heard a purity talk about bonding hormones?  Well, they’re real and every hand hold, every embrace, releases these chemically bonding hormones that you’ll just be better off without.  It’s important to remember in courtship that even though you may be “going steady” with one person, you do not belong to each other.  It really should be a very objective relationship in which you allow each other to explore values, beliefs, hopes, dreams, and goals without creating any extra emotional attachments that can be avoided.  There are plenty of other ways to express that you care for someone, (which I’m sure you will end up caring very much for the person you are courting even without signs of physical affection.)  Save PDA at least for engagement.  Don't worry, once you've found "the one", there will be plenty of time for hand-holding. 

    4.  Don't neglect your home port.

It can be very tempting to talk on the phone for hours on end or go out every evening with your special courting friend but be careful not to neglect your duties and your family.  They are the ones God has placed you with in the here and now.  As much as you dream of a future home with your future husband, don't jump the gun and leave your family high and dry.  Make sure to still fulfill your duties as a good daughter or son and enjoy the times you still have with your immediate family.  It may not feel like it, but all too soon, these days will be only distant memories so make them count.  Even though you're discerning marriage, you're probably still a single person living at home and need to take care of laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc.  Make sure to come into port and take care of business often!  Being faithful in your duties to your family helps to cultivate the virtues of orderliness and diligence in your soul.

Or if you're away from home, don't forget there is still plenty to do for your own self-improvement and well-being.  Don't neglect your own personal growth or daily duties such as work and school just for that extra fun dating time.  You're discerning a future life that will require lots of work and discipline so practice some of it now together and on your own.  

5.  Keep your eyes on the heavens!

This is the most important advice.  When a sailor loses his way at sea, what does he do?  He looks to the skies to find his bearings and orient himself by the sun and the stars.  We too must keep our eyes on the things of heaven whether we're in a courtship or on our own.  It can be easy to neglect personal prayer when you're busy with another person but it is so important to take everything to God in private prayer because He will be the absolute best guide and help for you in this important time of courtship.  Tell him all about your days, your joys, your sorrows, and your questions.  Leave everything in His hands and then pray that He will help you.  He most certainly will.  Don't forget to compare your own observations on the map of courtship with those of God's either.  Examine your relationship from time to time to see if it is leading you towards or away from your heavenly goal.  Does this person sanctify me?  Am I praying less or more than I used to?  Do our values still align?  Have we had disagreements about important matters of faith or morals?  Does my courtship partner seem to be growing closer to God?  If not, are they growing away from God?  You cannot just sit idle.  The little boats of your souls will either float towards God or be swept away by a current away from Him.  If you seem not to be making any progress spiritually, this might be a sign that you are slowly backsliding.  Don't ignore it but redouble your efforts to cultivate virtue and grow in holiness.  Remember to get spiritual direction both on your own and together from time to time.  Read the lives of the saints and ask for their special intercession.

Is this a complete and all-encompassing guide on how to save your souls in courtship?  Probably not.  But I do hope that this advice that I've learned can help you in some way.  Remember that courtship is not just a time to experience romance but first and foremost it is a time to discover if someone would make a good life partner for you.  Life is full of ups and downs, trials, tribulations, and temptations, as well as joys and successes.  Let's pray that we find someone who can help us carry our crosses well on this journey to heaven and who will raise up souls with us for that same goal!

Are there any other helps you thought of to keep your soul from sinking in courtship?  Please do let me know in the comments below.

PS.  Here's something funny for you...